My 12-year-old wants to dress up as a scarecrow this Halloween so he can sit unmoving in front of the house and scare every kid that comes to get candy, and I’m struggling to think of more reasons to say no than “your mom will get mad.”
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Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?