My 12-year-old wants to dress up as a scarecrow this Halloween so he can sit unmoving in front of the house and scare every kid that comes to get candy, and I’m struggling to think of more reasons to say no than “your mom will get mad.”
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Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
No flush
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
“our sushi is very fresh”
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
They also CAN sing✌️
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.