Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

Neighbors rented a bouncey castle three times and haven’t invited me over once. I walked by today. Castle is undefended. Considering a siege. 🤔🏰

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?

Me: For like important stuff I guess.

CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!

Me: I said impor-

CNN: Using chopsticks!

Me: She did WHAT?

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!