Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

Merry Christmas

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*