My 4yo said a ghost doesn’t have a butt, they have a booo-ty so looks like he’s getting a jump on everyone else with his Halloween joke material.
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Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
this was very charming
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.