My kids want to be Amazon boxes for Halloween.
That’s it. That’s the tweet.
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OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
WHY?!
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe