My kids want to be Amazon boxes for Halloween.
That’s it. That’s the tweet.
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NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I created you as mosquito food.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
#Caturday
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen