My kids want to be Amazon boxes for Halloween.
That’s it. That’s the tweet.
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*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Drive like no one is watching.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Sing it!
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.