My mother goes as a broken record every year for Halloween, which is just her following behind me, telling me what a terrible parent I am.
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Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.