My mother goes as a broken record every year for Halloween, which is just her following behind me, telling me what a terrible parent I am.
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Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me: