Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

I am, perchance

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

me after eating Cheetos

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler