Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!

My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…