No one:
Absolutely no one:
6: The fun thing about Halloween is you can pretend blood is juice!
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Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
😂💯
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.