Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

🐿️

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?