Shoutout to everyone making their kids Halloween costumes this week. I feel you, I am you, why are we like this.
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“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce