Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

Twitter

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

“Can I help you?”

“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”

“So, you’re here about the job?”

“Most indubitably.”

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

😂 amazing answer

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.