Shoutout to parents who were trying to plan ahead but are already returning a Halloween costume.
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Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers