Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
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“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
My patience has stretch marks.
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
Spring cleaning checklist…
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭