Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

beware of dog
(jukin media)

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

🤣

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

KFC hitting the cannibal market

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?