Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid.
*Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger*
Get off my lawn before I call the cops
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Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves