Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.