The average parent gains 2.7 lbs from safety-checking their kids Halloween candy.
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Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.