The average parent gains 2.7 lbs from safety-checking their kids Halloween candy.
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my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
More like Kate Missington.