The average parent gains 2.7 lbs from safety-checking their kids Halloween candy.
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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic