Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

early stone age tool

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???

“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”

“A hiss-drawn carriage”