the media moves too fast to plan a halloween costume now. no one’s gonna care about a Black Widow or Zombie Colin Powell costume by halloween. ya gotta wait til oct 30 when MSNBC accidentally tweets “bOpe” and then immediately make your bope costume that morning
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Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”