the time I found out I was allergic to shrimp
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Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
we should be able to doordash someone a snowball to the face. like tis the season biatch.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime