this halloween surprise your friends by putting on clown makeup and dying in their attic
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Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*