this halloween surprise your friends by putting on clown makeup and dying in their attic
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Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.