this halloween surprise your friends by putting on clown makeup and dying in their attic
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I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
you will never know the true number of layers
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.