Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

Left at a local drug store…

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

ㅤ

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.