Want to be really scary on Halloween? Pass out slime… parents will be terrified.
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For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
🤝
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.