Want to be really scary on Halloween? Pass out slime… parents will be terrified.
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The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore