We as a society have surpassed the need for whoppers in Halloween candy bags
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How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
well this is just bullshirt
This kid is going places
This January has 47 Mondays
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
me: my friends:
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off
people do NOT like that joke
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will