We as a society have surpassed the need for whoppers in Halloween candy bags
You Might Also Like
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
That’s easy for you to say
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*