We have lots of scary maths jokes for Halloween but we’re 2² to say them
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No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]