We have lots of scary maths jokes for Halloween but we’re 2² to say them
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when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap