We have lots of scary maths jokes for Halloween but we’re 2² to say them
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One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.