We have lots of scary maths jokes for Halloween but we’re 2² to say them
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[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Möther may I have a snäck
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Raisins are grape jerky.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days