We have lots of scary maths jokes for Halloween but we’re 2² to say them
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WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
guilty
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Blocking someone isn’t enough. You have to hire a bunch of singing clowns to finish the job
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
what?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.