We have lots of scary maths jokes for Halloween but we’re 2² to say them
You Might Also Like
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
This 4th of July, please remember…
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…