We have lots of scary maths jokes for Halloween but we’re 2² to say them
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Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
i like to flex on them by shrugging
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs