What’s a good Halloween costume that doesn’t require makeup and isn’t uncomfortable and is my regular clothes?
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Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
We’ve all been there…
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.