What’s a good Halloween costume that doesn’t require makeup and isn’t uncomfortable and is my regular clothes?
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son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*