Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

Gotta love the Dead Kennedys

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go