Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
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Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
some Old Testament wisdom
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Asking the real questions!
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.