Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
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Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.