Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
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My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me