Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

😉

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.