Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

Roses are red, you always mattered,

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday