Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
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My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
No one:
London landlords:
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.