Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
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GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”