Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
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*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I hope this email finds you in a well
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
journal
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.