[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
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“My desires are… unconventional.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
– Whispering dark secrets to animals
– Trying to get a strawberry seed out of my teeth
– Being vegan, but also eating steak
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Watching The Bible. Didn’t realize everyone spoke w/ a British accent back then. Neat.
Thousands of married racists are waking up this morning and questioning the skin color of their spouse.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.