Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

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[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then


“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*


I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie


– Whispering dark secrets to animals
– Trying to get a strawberry seed out of my teeth
– Being vegan, but also eating steak


The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.


Watching The Bible. Didn’t realize everyone spoke w/ a British accent back then. Neat.


Thousands of married racists are waking up this morning and questioning the skin color of their spouse.


I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..


HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*