@XLToast

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

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@david8hughes

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

@hipstermermaid

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

@meganamram

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

@markleggett

HOBBIES INCLUDE:
– Whispering dark secrets to animals
– Trying to get a strawberry seed out of my teeth
– Being vegan, but also eating steak

@JoParkerBear

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

@tiffpats4eva

Watching The Bible. Didn’t realize everyone spoke w/ a British accent back then. Neat.

@timdonakowski

Thousands of married racists are waking up this morning and questioning the skin color of their spouse.

@lovemydogduck

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

@ShortSleeveSuit

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*