Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
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If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
My favorite farside!!
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.