Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.