Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
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Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Overindulged this afternoon.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
This is my emotional support knife.