Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
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I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
We avoided this particular disaster
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA