@Bobbutterbutt

Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second

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@LostCatDog

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

@AbbieEvansXO

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

@byrdie_num_num

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

@oldmanweldon

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

@AndrewNadeau0

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

@BatmanOffDuty

One day I bet bullets will be replaced by flowers, and guns will probably be replaced by something that fires flowers with deadly force.

@BigRadMachine

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

@Cultdays

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT