Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second

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It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.


Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no


I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.


UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.


WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.


One day I bet bullets will be replaced by flowers, and guns will probably be replaced by something that fires flowers with deadly force.


Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?


I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT