Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
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“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
How animals would run if they were human
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra