Artwork by Herta Burbe
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I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away