Artwork by Herta Burbe
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Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Thaw me like one of your french fries
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.