Artwork by Herta Burbe
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WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.