Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

but that was my emotional support daylight

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”