Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

I need to sieze this.

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up