If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
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My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.