Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol

Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”