ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
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Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Wednesday
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Personal question. #JustSaying
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf