Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

(more comics:

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?