ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
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Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
is this store having a stroke wtf
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.