Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.