As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
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Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.