As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
tell em, edith-anne
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Brands during Pride
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
