As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
yeah 😭
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
