As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
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Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week